Instructional stories 1: it became increasingly problematic as time went on.

I had been sitting in my armchair all evening listening to John Coltrane and smoking my pipe.  A wave of tiredness came over me and I decided to retire to bed.  I tapped out the pipe in the ashtray and laid it on the table, and walked solemnly to the bathroom.  I took the toothbrush from the glass, unscrewed the lid of the toothpaste and squeezed a drop of toothpaste out onto the bristles, dropping the lid into the sink where it tinkled and jittered around on the avocado ceramic.  That’s when I saw it.  A spider, not too large, perhaps an infant, but still rather hideous.  I dislike spiders.  Still, I suppose they are one of God’s creatures, so rather than wash it down the plug I balanced the glass over it and slid my dental appointment card underneath (I’m due for a checkup in March).  I then inverted the glass and dropped him in the cheeseplant on the windowsill in the wicker-effect ceramic basket where I supposed it could live happily.  I went to bed and slept untroubled.

            In the morning I rose, with some difficulty.  Stretched and yawned and walked to splash my face.  My glasses were by the sink still.  I decided to put them on to see if my whiskers needed trimming when I saw not one but two spiders in the sink.  They fall in there and cannot get out.  Two though!  I managed roughly the same procedure, housing both of them together and this time putting them out of the window and shaking them into the grass below.  I closed the window, satisfied, and went about my day.  I bought the paper, got the bus into town, stopped for coffee and read the news, and picked up a few bits and pieces including insoles and food items for dinner.  I came back and the coffee had run through me somewhat.  Sometimes I have to rush to the loo.  I got the key in the door and slammed it behind me and walked as quickly as I could to the bathroom, letting out a great torrent… oh pardon me, you don’t want to hear about that.  I went to wash my hands and there they were, three spiders now cavorting around like little eight legged gerbils.  I thought if I put them out the window, they would just come back, so I used the underside of the glass to squash one with a mute crunch, then another – it’s legs came off, and then to the third, but where was it?  I then felt something on the back of my neck and put my hand up to brush it off when I felt a piercing bite.  I swatted at the beast.  I don’t know if I got it.  I fled out of the room, poured myself a brandy and sat in the armchair.  I tried to pack the pipe but my hands were shaking.  Gradually I calmed down.

            Over the course of the next week, there were no more spiders.  I was glad, and started to relax.  But the back of my neck had started itching and throbbing.  I felt it coming up like a welt.  I was sat on the bus on a Tuesday morning when it burst and the child behind screamed and said “mummy there’s spiders coming out of that man’s neck!” the mother whisked the child away.  I went straight to the hospital and they put me in quarantine.  I can’t smoke my pipe in here and the food is terrible.  They say it was a rare spider had come over in the banana box and the eggs would be in the bloodstream by now and time will tell what will happen to me.  I don't know what I could have done differently.  I wish I’d just left them alone.